Min-sub Kim / College student

When walking along the major roads, I do not talk. When taking the subway, I do not sit. I never hold the handles on the public bus.  I wrap the toilet handle with tissue before grabbing it. I never drink anything carbonated. I do not eat crackers, chips, or ham. Once a day, without fail, I make sure to eat more than one bowl of vegetables. I take multiple minerals, vitamins, and supplements a day.

“The world is contaminated” – I became OCD about cleanliness

Since elementary school, I followed those rules.  No one ever taught me and I don’t know when it really started. But ever since I was little, I started to think the world is “contaminated” and “people have no sense of hygiene”.  With that anxious mind, I began to protect myself.

So even though it was a little difficult, I lived my life following those rules. After going out and coming home, I would take off my coat and gloves and instead of putting it in the room, I would leave it outside on the veranda. That’s because I wanted to keep my room as clean as possible. Even though my family complained, I still did it. Even at school. Since people are so self-centered, to survive in this kind of harsh world, more than anyone else I had to watch out for my own body and health. And that became my number one priority. No matter what happened to others, I didn’t care.

Since things didn’t go my way, I denied the entire world

In order to get along with friends and not be pegged as someone weird, I would pretend to sympathize, pretend to be nice, and even lie at times. On days I forced myself to go out with my friends to eat hamburgers, I would come home and eat twice as many vegetables.

I had so many complaints and much dissatisfaction against the world. So, I had much stress, but I believed that was the right way to live. And then in my 20s, my older sister suggested me to try this meditation. I figured I would take a “one week vacation” and agreed to go to the main center at Nonsan. But that one week showed me exactly how I had lived my 20 years of life.

Living life worried about what might happen to this one body I have, so I was careful and cautious. Yet nothing went the way I wanted it to. It was a difficult life. Since nothing went my way, I denied the entire world and all the small things seemed bigger than they really were, making me feel the world was even more unfair.

Different from reality, only inside my own world did I have the standards of this is dirty, that is clean, this is right, and that is wrong. With those standards that I had determined, I judged the world. It made no sense. Now it is embarrassing to see that I thought ‘this me’ was so precious and had lived my life accordingly.

My OCD disappeared and my life became more natural

I threw away those minds all week long. Within that one week, that me who had tried so hard to be better than others no longer existed and I certainly realized the universe is me. At that moment, I was truly free and concluded that I must completely get rid of this false mind world.

And after getting to a certain level in this meditation, all of a sudden the way I saw the world changed. Now meeting people, eating, and wearing clothes, it is all so natural and comfortable. Depending on the situation, I will either eat the hamburger and coke or not eat it. I wear my clothes with freedom. In the subway or on the large roads I can talk without a problem. Of course, I still maintain my basic personal hygiene. Haha.

Not having been able to do anything well and having been an OCD patient, I am grateful to have broken free from that corner and now live freely. I want to apologize to all those people around me who were uncomfortable because of me all this time. I am truly sorry.


Source: www.meditationlife.org